- You see a friend at a party. She’s surrounded by gorgeous girls. You go up to her, point at one of her friends and say: “I’d like to marry her, introduce me.”
- You then give that friend an ang bao (token of appreciation).
That’s Affiliate Marketing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You find her on Facebook, go through her profile then send her a message saying: “Marry me.”
That’s Stalki.. I mean Spam Marketing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You chat her up and get her to add you on Facebook or Google+ or LinkedIn. There she sees your high paying job (You’re Rich!) and connections, all your strategically placed photos, witty statuses, lists and albums of exciting hobbies and how awesome/exciting your life is. She messages you and says: “Marry me.”
That’s Social Media Marketing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “I am very rich. I’m an expert on markets. Marry me!”. She does, and then finds out that you ride a BMX instead of a BMW, work at BMFC (Bukit Merah Food Centre) not MBFC (Marina Bay Financial Centre), a different type of market.
That’s Deceptive Marketing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You’re rich, Her last three rich husbands died in axe-murdering incidents. No evidence links her to the crimes. You still ask her to marry you.
That’s Caveat Emptor.
- You see a gorgeous girl arriving at the party. She hasn’t stepped in yet. You run out and say “Marry Me.” She does.
That’s First Mover Advantage.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You ask her out. Your parents pay for your dates, gifts and then eventually, wedding, house, and car. From start until end, they give a timeline of 3-5 years that you have to eventually give them a bevy of babies (grand-children)
That’s Angel Investing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You’re broke. You make an appeal to everyone in your phonebook and Facebook to transfer a dollar or more via ibanking or PayPal so that you can ask her out at the end of the night to marry you.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. It’s your party, you’re rich. You booked the club. Another person asks her to marry him. You throw him out.
- That person returns with 10 other friends armed with sticks and bats.
- You meet a gorgeous girl at a party. You are very rich. She marries you and then divorces you 1 year later taking half your fortune with her.
That’s Exit Strategy.
- You’re rich. You go see a matchmaker and say “I’m rich, find me a gorgeous girl to marry”. Your matchmaker says “I’ve just the thing for you, I’ve got a few girls who want me to find them a rich husband”.
That’s Private Placement.
- You see lots of gorgeous women – at a party for divorced singles.
That’s Market Cycle.
- You’re rich. You walk into a ballroom party and see a lot of gorgeous girls, but there’re many rich men around too. You walk out, chart and plan your own beach party, put together a team, hire the right people and make sure you’re one of the few or only rich guys in the party. That’s Blue Ocean Strategy.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you try to find her social media profile through the friend list of the host. You invade and go through her FB, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr etc., go through her likes pages, pictures, hobbies. An hour later you go up to her and strike a conversation based on her profile, making her believe it’s kismet, framing yourself as her ideal, that you’re both into the same things.
That’s Targetted Marketing through Data Mining, or just plan creepy.
- You hop from party to party, in hopes of meeting gorgeous girls. You get more drunk as the night progresses and coupled with beer goggles, you get lesser and fewer quality numbers.
That’s Law of Diminishing Returns.
- You walk into a geriatric party for singles.
That’s Uncontested Markets.
- You see lots of gorgeous girls at a party. You pull the same line “Hi I’m rich…” and you pull a large bunch of numbers, after which you begin dating a different girl every day of the week for the next one year; The Cheerleader, The Hipster, The Goth Chick, The Librarian… +++
That’s Investing Across Different Asset Classes.
- You meet a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “I am very rich. Marry me! “. She replies: “Yes, I am very rich too. Let us share our assets and become richer together.”
That’s Mergers and Acquisitions.
- You meet a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “This is my party, I am very rich. Marry me!”. She replies: “I’m running the party at the clubhouse next door.” You reply: “It’s alright. Marry me and we’ll run both parties at the same time. This place is big enough for two parties and we can make our parties bigger by celebrating our engagement in both places”.
That’s Horizontal Integration by Acquisition.
- You meet a gorgeous girl at a party. You and your pals decide to come up with an impromptu flash mob style proposal and you yell: “MARRY ME”.
That’s Guerilla Marketing.
- The guests start filming your shenanigans and videos suddenly get uploaded to Youtube, Facebook and goodness knows where. You get 1 million hits in 2 days, 10 million by the end of the week, and people stop asking “What rhymes with hug me” or “What does the fox say”, “Retard Proposal” is the most searched term on the internet. You get bombarded with friend requests and girls all over the world asking you to marry them.
That’s Viral Marketing.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!”. She replies: “I am sorry, I already have a girlfriend.”
That’s Niche Market.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “Hi, I am rich. Marry me!”. Her mom and dad walk up to her side giving you the eye.
That’s Regulatory Governing Bodies.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “Hi, I am rich. Marry me!”. She laughs, engages you in deep conversation before leading you to a quiet corner near the pool, where she introduces you to her ugly cousin and says “He’s rich. Marry him!” and then disappears leaving the two of you alone.
That’s Bait and Switch.
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up and say: “I’m incredibly rich, and famous. Marry me.” Then pretend to be amazed that she doesn’t know who you are.
That’s the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Source: Daniel Loke.
Wahidin Wong is a digital marketer at Adkomu.com and an editor at Tobeeko.com. He is also a jazz and bossa lover.